Only in my dreams

For the past couple of weeks, I have had a number of dreams that wake me up in a panic and full of dread, anger and sadness. 

I have been dreaming that Josh is having an affair.  It is with someone different in each dream - faceless people - and in each dream he is always quite flippant and uncaring when confronted.  After I wake up from each dream, I have to remind myself that it's only a dream. 

After it happened the second or third time, I tried to analyze myself and figure out what was bothering me subconsciously that would trigger dreams like that.  First I thought that it was the clomid, but then the only other thing I could come up with is that deep down I feel bad that I haven't been able to give Josh the child that he (and I) want so badly.  I feel like a failure or like I'm letting him down.

Also, you should know that my biggest fear in life is that Josh will cheat on me and we'll get divorced.  I grew up as a child in that situation and it still haunts me. 

I had the dream again last night, so I decided to look up dream interpretations for words like "adultery" and "abandonment".  Here is what DreamMoods.com had to say for each:

Abandonment
To dream that you are abandoned, suggests that it is time to leave behind past feelings and characteristics that are hindering your growth. Let go of your old attitudes. A more direct and literal interpretation of this dream is that you have a fear of being deserted, abandoned, or even betrayed. It may stem from a recent loss or a fear of losing a loved one. The fear of abandonment may manifest itself into your dream as part of the healing process and dealing with losing a loved one. It may also stem from unresolved feelings or problems from childhood. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are feeling neglected or that your feelings are being overlooked. Perhaps the dream is a metaphor that you need to approach life with "reckless abandon" and live more freely (that's the last thing I need).

Adultery
To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you, highlights your insecurities and your fears of being abandoned. You may feel some lack of attention in the relationship or that he or she is being less affectionate. Alternatively, you may feel that you are not measuring up to the expectations of others.

Thankfully, Josh has been nothing but understanding, reassuring and sweet when I have these dreams - well, always actually.  I may not have a baby - yet! - but I have an incredibly dreamy life!