High Hopes

I got good news this morning at the doctor - I finally responded to the combination of drugs that I've been taking - clomid and Gonal F shots so we'll be doing our 3rd IUI this Saturday morning.  This time I have 1 egg that measured at 23 and 3 more that are at 18-19 but will be at least 20 by Saturday morning.  I take my Ovidrel shot (induces ovulation) tonight and then we go in Saturday morning for the procedure. 

I know that I already have my hopes up, but that's honestly nothing new.  I'm hopeful that this time will work.  I'm getting used to the highs and lows of this whole fertility thing.  Either way, now that we know that I respond to this combination of drugs we might give another month a try if it doesn't work again this time.

What a journey!

Fertility Joke of the Day:
Q:  Why are there no fertility clinics in Arkansas?
A:  Everyone finds a potent cousin eventually.

Shooting for the Stars

Yesterday I went back to the doctor to see how my follicles were progressing and to measure them.  I have a lot of follicles in my right ovary (the dominate ovary for this month) and several in my left.  The largest one measured at 15x10 so I'm not quite there yet (has to measure 20).  I have to continue my shots through Wednesday night and on Thursday I go back to be remeasured.  If I have some that are big enough, then I'll have IUI on Saturday. 

I asked my nurse what we would do if they still weren't ready on Thursday and she said I would continue on the shots and go back on a daily basis for measurements.  She also said that if I had measured at 20 yesterday that it was still a little too early in the cycle to do IUI anyway, so we're in a good spot now.  I'll take that as good news...

I'm just taking it easy this week in hopes that the more laid back I am, the more my little eggs will grow.  Here's the one thing I can say about my shots though:  I seem to have a lot of side effects such as loss of appetite, bloating, insomnia, and headaches. 

I have no appetite, which if you know me, is not normal.  It's so strange to know that it's lunch time and I sit at my desk for an extra hour before I make myself go eat something just because I need to.  Normally I'm counting down the hours before my normal 11:30am lunchtime.  Another thing is that I have insomnia.  I have barely slept since Saturday night.  I feel fine, but I just can't sleep.  I lay there all night.  The good news is I don't lay there stressing out, I just lay there bored.  I hope tonight I'll be so tired that I get even just a few hours of sleep.   Zzzzzzzz

Fertility Joke of the Day:
You know you are trying to get pregnant when:  You look at your vegetarian sandwich and the alfalfa sprouts look like sperm.

Hormone Heaven

This morning I woke up and immediately had anxiety because today is the day when I begin taking my Gonal F shots along with Clomid (Gonal F is used to help the ovaries make more eggs).  Thankfully my darling husband read the directions and I don't have to give myself the shot until this evening so that buys me some time. 

Why am I so nervous?  I have been taking Ovadrel shots once a month for 6 months and it's the same thing.  It doesn't hurt.  I guess just the anticipation of knowing that I have to have a shot makes me nervous.  Again, thankfully my darling husband is willing to do it for me and he's very gentle and good at it (although he makes the "bring the needle down in a stabbing motion" line from Pulp Fiction each and every single time).  Gotta love Josh and his sense of humor!  :)

Another small bit of news is that Josh and I have decided that if this month doesn't work with the shots and IUI then we're going to take a break from fertility treatment and put it in God's hands for a while.  We've already spent $12,000+ on treatment and my insurance only covers $20k for a lifetime.  Maybe a break from crazy-inducing hormones and stress will make the difference...  Who knows.  It is (and always has been) in God's hands.

Different day, same story

Still not pregnant.  This is getting really old. 

Now I just need to wait until I start my period (should be in about 2 days) and on my third day, I'll start all over again, except this time a few things are different:

1.  I'll start taking daily shots of Gonal F
2.  I won't be traveling

I sure hope this is the answer...

Only in my dreams

For the past couple of weeks, I have had a number of dreams that wake me up in a panic and full of dread, anger and sadness. 

I have been dreaming that Josh is having an affair.  It is with someone different in each dream - faceless people - and in each dream he is always quite flippant and uncaring when confronted.  After I wake up from each dream, I have to remind myself that it's only a dream. 

After it happened the second or third time, I tried to analyze myself and figure out what was bothering me subconsciously that would trigger dreams like that.  First I thought that it was the clomid, but then the only other thing I could come up with is that deep down I feel bad that I haven't been able to give Josh the child that he (and I) want so badly.  I feel like a failure or like I'm letting him down.

Also, you should know that my biggest fear in life is that Josh will cheat on me and we'll get divorced.  I grew up as a child in that situation and it still haunts me. 

I had the dream again last night, so I decided to look up dream interpretations for words like "adultery" and "abandonment".  Here is what DreamMoods.com had to say for each:

Abandonment
To dream that you are abandoned, suggests that it is time to leave behind past feelings and characteristics that are hindering your growth. Let go of your old attitudes. A more direct and literal interpretation of this dream is that you have a fear of being deserted, abandoned, or even betrayed. It may stem from a recent loss or a fear of losing a loved one. The fear of abandonment may manifest itself into your dream as part of the healing process and dealing with losing a loved one. It may also stem from unresolved feelings or problems from childhood. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are feeling neglected or that your feelings are being overlooked. Perhaps the dream is a metaphor that you need to approach life with "reckless abandon" and live more freely (that's the last thing I need).

Adultery
To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you, highlights your insecurities and your fears of being abandoned. You may feel some lack of attention in the relationship or that he or she is being less affectionate. Alternatively, you may feel that you are not measuring up to the expectations of others.

Thankfully, Josh has been nothing but understanding, reassuring and sweet when I have these dreams - well, always actually.  I may not have a baby - yet! - but I have an incredibly dreamy life!

Ovulating? Who? Me?

So I had my second IUI yesterday afternoon.  The procedure was quick and painless (except for very mild cramping).  Josh was a little disappointed that his sperm count was quite a bit lower than last time, but Dr. C assured us that we would be fine. 

I asked Dr. C if he thought we should do IUI again or take a more aggressive approach if this didn't work.  He said that I was a "challenge" for him because he looks at me and thinks I'm 26, not 38, so he realizes that we need to be more aggressive going forward.  So, next month I'll take shots and clomid simultaneously with IUI.  I'm hoping that we won't even have to go there...

Since the IUI yesterday, my left ovary (the dominate ovary for this month) has been crampy.  It doesn't hurt, but it hasn't gone away either.  This morning the cramps were stronger than they were yesterday so I thought I should call the doctor to see if that's normal after IUI.  I got Melinda on the phone (Dr. C's nurse that I love) and she said, get this, that it's because I'm ovulating.  So weird, right?!  No!  That's normal for someone that ovulates, which I do not.  So, this is a good sign!!!  YAY!  I OVULATED! 

It's sad when you get so excited about something that your body is supposed to do.  I'm just happy it did!  :-)