Life is a mystery

So, last time I wrote,  Josh and I had decided to take the month off from fertility and focus our energies in to putting our house on the market and go to Washington, DC.  While we weren't planning on doing anything fertility related, I did continue taking clomid and we thought we would just try on our own. 

We worked our butts off getting our place ready for market and then relaxed with friends in Washington, DC.  It was a nice distraction from trying to get pregnant and I welcomed the break.  I was scheduled to go to the doctor yesterday (Monday) for a follow up just to see where I am.  I was pretty annoyed at having to go and really didn't want to be there.  They performed a sonogram and to my amazement, I had a follicle in my left ovary that measured at 21 so I was ready to ovulate and now I'm scheduled for my second IUI for tomorrow!  Even the sweet nurse, Melinda (love her!) said she was shocked when she saw my chart and that I was ready for IUI on time (I'm normally too late and can't do it). 

I guess relaxing and taking your mind off everything really helps!  I'm going to be more distracted from now on! 

Aaah... time to relax and gain perspective.

Life is a whirlwind.  As much as Josh and I try, we cannot seem to live a quiet, simple life.  We are constantly on the go and never seem to have any quality down time.  Most of the reason is that neither one of us can ever say "no" to social invitations because A) we both love a good time and B) because I never want to miss out on anything. 

Staying home at night to cook and watch TV together is like one of our very favorite things to do and yet we're lucky if we squeeze one night in a week!  The point I'm trying to make is that maybe as much as we want a baby, maybe we really aren't ready yet or are we trying to squeeze as much fun in to life before a baby takes over?  Probably a little of both.

I had an appointment last Friday for a sonogram to check to see if I had any cysts (I don't) and to learn how to give myself my Gonal F shots (in the stomach) along with taking Clomid.  This is a more aggressive step because my doctor came to the conclusion (finally) that I don't ovulate on my own.  This is why I have not been able to get pregnant.  Hopefully the combination of drugs (Clomid, Gonal F and Ovadrel) will help give us the desired results. 

http://www.dfwivf.com/fsh-fertility-drug.html

This is what my new daily regime would be:
Friday 3/19:  Clomid
Saturday 3/20:  Clomid
Sunday 3/21:  Clomid & Gonal F Shot
Monday 3/22:  Clomid & Gonal F Shot
Tuesday 3/23:  Clomid & Gonal F Shot
Wednesday 3/24:  Gonal F Shot
Thursday 3/25:  Gonal F Shot
Friday:  Sonogram - If it looked like I was going to Ovulate, then I would take the Ovadrel shot that night and IUI 36 hours later.  If not, then I would take the Gonal F shot for 5 more days and then go back to see if I was going to ovulate.

It wasn't until Friday night that I was telling Josh about my new regime that he reminded me that we are going out of town on Thursday 3/25 through Sunday 3/28 to Washington DC, so I would miss my doctor's appointment; therefore, we decided to take March off.  We are going to only take Clomid this month and try on our own. 

I have been saying that I wanted/needed a break from all of this, so I was actually really happy about it.  Now we can go to DC and have fun, relax and enjoy our friends and everything the city has to offer, without worrying about shots, drugs, appointments, schedules, IUI, etc.  Phew!

This trip can't come at a better time either because last week we decided to put our house on the market while we build a house.  Since then we have been up to our eyeballs with home improvements, packing, painting, moving furniture, cleaning and organizing so we can get our house on the market before we leave town Thursday.  That just goes to show you...  There is NEVER a dull moment in the Heddy household!

Once again, the answer is no.

I am a little better today, but yesterday I was a disaster. 

Yesterday I woke up so excited because I was 5 days late and was scheduled to have my blood pregnancy test.  I just knew I was pregnant - that is until I started my period as I was walking out the door.  Talk about a blow.  I called the doctor and they said to come in anyway for the test as a little bleeding can be normal, but I knew the result would be negative. 

Sure enough at 3:00 the nurse called to let me know that I am not pregnant and that I am now scheduled to go back on Friday for a sonogram to make sure I don't have any cysts and to learn how to give myself shots in my stomach as that is now the route we're going to take.  I'll be taking an oral hormone as well as FSH (follicle stimulating hormones) via a shot to the stomach each day. 

The worst part about this process is dealing with the highs and lows, hopes and disappointments.  Month after month after month.  We are now in our sixth month and I was considered a good candidate for fertility treatment.  Really?!

Personally, I would like nothing more than to take a break from the hormones and disappointment and try again in a month or two, but it means so much to Josh that we keep plugging along.  I guess if I can one day give him a child it will all be worth it.  I just have to make it to that day.

Did what I think just happened happen???

So, last Friday night Josh and I had dinner with some friends that have a 6 month old son. He's one of the cutest babies I've ever seen!  I was so excited to get to talk to this first time mother and hear her stories, trials, tribulations and share in her excitement.  We had not seen this couple since the baby was only a few weeks old, so it has been awhile.  As we were driving to their house, it occured to me that the last time we were there, I thought I was pregnant, but during the course of dinner I started my period.  Since I was supposed to start my period that day, I was wondering if it would happen again. 

We enjoyed a nice, delicious dinner and I went to the restroom and there it was... a spot of blood.  I immediately felt sick with disappointment.  We left soon afterwards and after I told Josh what happened, we had a silent ride home. 

Saturday morning I woke with a start - literally - and went to the restroom where there was not a single trace of blood.  I think I may have experienced implantation bleeding.  It is now Monday afternoon and I still haven't started. 

From the website http://www.babyhopes.com/:
Implantation can sometimes cause a bit of spotting or bleeding, known as implantation bleeding. Implantation bleeding is a small amount of bleeding in the uterus that occurs when the egg implants into the uterus. A specific tissue, known as trophoblast, develops from the fertilized egg and it surrounds it. It is what attaches the egg to the inside of the uterus, and actually eats its way into the uterus. The trophoblast actually pulls the egg to the inside of the endometrium. Trophoblast even invades the mother’s blood vessels and diverts her blood to the fertilized egg. Sometimes, this blood will leak and this causes implantation bleeding.


I had this same experience before my miscarriage last year; however, the blood was light pink and never stopped coming even though I had a positive pregnancy results.  Evenutally though (about 10 days later), I miscarried.  This time the blood was dark red and about the size of a nickel.  Does that mean a stronger implantation?

I go in for a blood pregnancy test on Wednesday and will have the results that afternoon.  So.... am I?

Fingers crossed!!!

Am I?

Today I had my progesterone level checked and it was a 25 which means I don't have to use the disgusting supplements (did I mention that they are disgusting?). 

So what are my next steps?  Well, I am supposed to start my period in two days, but my pregnancy test from my IUI isn't scheduled for another week which means I suppose I'll have my answer if I start before then.

To be honest, I don't think I'm pregnant.  Other than crying a little more than usual lately, I don't feel any differently.  I seriously hope I am, but my gut is saying that I'm not.  If I am I'm going to be SUPER surprised!  If I'm not, well then I'm going to enjoy the rest of March.  :-)

I have to laugh from time to time or I'll go crazy

So, since my last little tirade, I have completely changed my attitude (thank goodness!) and am feeling so much better.  Last week I was really upset and pretty pessimistic (ya don't say, really?!), but I got good news!  This past Monday, I went back for my fourth sonogram to measure my follicles just in case they had decided to grow and guess what?!  One of my follicles in my right ovary measured 21x21 - big enough for IUI!  We scheduled my IUI for Wednesday, March 3rd so yesterday was the magic day...

Josh was scheduled to go in and make a "deposit" at 9:30am and then we were scheduled to pick up the "sample" at 11:30 and take it directly to Dr. C's office (down the hall).  I was super excited when we woke up but Josh was SO nervous that he didn’t sleep the night before. I thought that was so funny because really?! All he had to do was fill up a little cup while looking at nudie mags and not think about his wife! My sister and I were joking that I was going to light candles all over the exam room, play sexy music and wear a French maid outfit – you know, to bring the romance into it. HA! My nurse & doctor thought that was hilarious – Josh, not so much.  Like I said, if I can't laugh at this, then I'll probably go nuts - and I'm not that far off!

The procedure was easy, painless and over in about 10 minutes. I went home afterwards and slept all afternoon (which was SO nice). I’m back at work today and don’t feel any different, but hope that something is hard at work…

Here are a couple of pictures of us making light of the situation:  This is Josh with his deposit before we walk in to Dr. C's office.  And yes, that is a styrofoam coffee cup that it's in.  Ewwww

This is me with my pelvis tilted up.  I had to lay like this for 10 minutes after the "turkey baster". 

Try not to stress out... yeah, right.

For those of you who have not been through this process before, let me try to explain why when people tell you, "try not to stress out", etc it's nearly impossible not to...

In the wonderful world of fertility (or infertility), each and every single day accounts for something.  For example:  You go in for a sonogram on the 3rd day of your period.  On that day, you begin taking clomid for 5 days (that's 8 days that mean something).  Then you go in for blood work, sonograms, take shots, etc and when it's all said and done, you've spent 15-20 out of 30 days worrying/wondering/thinking about whatever related to your cycle and what's going on or supposed to happen.  It's exhausting and no matter how hard you try, you can't stop.  Believe me.  I tried.  With alcohol, with going out, with food, etc and none of it works. 

See my calendar for the month of December alone.  Oy vey!

So, I know you're being sweet and truly have no idea what to say or how to make things better, but just know that sometimes a woman on hormones is unpredictable and you never know what type of reaction you might get!  :-)

Las hormonas me hacen loco

So, as some of you may know, last week was a very emotional week. I went to the doctor last Monday to have my follicles measured. At that time, my largest follicle in my right ovary measured at about 11. I went back on Thursday and it had only grown to a 12. I was told that unless I have some miracle and my follicle grew to a respectable number by Saturday, we would not be able to perform IUI this month. I was devasted. At the rate that my follicle was growing, there was no way that it would be big enough by Saturday.

I cried more that day and Friday than I have in a LONG time. I cried so much that my face was swollen for 2 days! That is some ugly crying!

I cried because I felt like I was wasting my time taking hormones only to be told month after month that my body wasn't responding and was unable to have IUI performed.
I cried because of the money I felt like I was wasting.
I cried because I wanted Josh to understand how terrible the hormones were making me feel.
I cried because I was so tired - the hot flashes I was experiencing from clomid made it impossible to sleep.
I cried because of the pressure of having to be the one whose body wasn't cooperating.
I cried because I was mad at my doctor.
I cried because I am trying to change my life for a baby that I might never have.
I cried because I'll be 39 in September.
I cried because I have my 20 year high school reunion this year and I'll be the only person that doesn't have children.
I cried because that meant no baby in 2010.
I cried and cried and cried.

Then... It was time for the pity party to end.

I decided, with Josh's reluctant support, to take the month of March off. No doctors, no hormones, no shots, no nuthin'. Suddenly I felt better. March is going to be a fun month: St. Patrick's Day, Houston, and Washington DC. I just knew that if I took this month off, I would come back in April refreshed and renewed. I felt like a giant weight was off my shoulders.

I also decided that it was time to grow up. No more drinking on the weekend (or during the week for that matter). Time to exercise and eat properly. Time to take responsibility. I felt better already.

Friday night, Josh and I had a date night and we went to dinner at a new restaurant. Dinner was good and we were home and in bed by 10:00pm. It was nice to reconnect. The stress of the week had taken a big toll on our relationship. Saturday morning we went to the doctor for another sonogram and SURPRISE! My follicle measured at a 17! Suddenly we are back in the game! Dr. Chantilis said that he would see me on Monday and if I am ready then, we'll do IUI this week! After the doctor's appointment, we went house hunting, had a yummy lunch and then I went to yoga for the first time. It was in a hot room and it felt amazing! I almost cried because it was exactly what I needed to relieve all of the stress I was carrying around. Saturday night we went to a movie and again we were in bed by 10:00pm. Sunday we went for a 6-7 mile walk and that felt great too. I felt like my old self again - even better actually!

Moral of the story? Hormones make you crazy. Fertility is a rollercoaster: there are ups and downs, you're sick and scared for most of it, but in the end, it was worth the ride. Happily my ride is still going so I'll see where it takes us...