So, as some of you may know, last week was a very emotional week. I went to the doctor last Monday to have my follicles measured. At that time, my largest follicle in my right ovary measured at about 11. I went back on Thursday and it had only grown to a 12. I was told that unless I have some miracle and my follicle grew to a respectable number by Saturday, we would not be able to perform IUI this month. I was devasted. At the rate that my follicle was growing, there was no way that it would be big enough by Saturday.
I cried more that day and Friday than I have in a LONG time. I cried so much that my face was swollen for 2 days! That is some ugly crying!
I cried because I felt like I was wasting my time taking hormones only to be told month after month that my body wasn't responding and was unable to have IUI performed.
I cried because of the money I felt like I was wasting.
I cried because I wanted Josh to understand how terrible the hormones were making me feel.
I cried because I was so tired - the hot flashes I was experiencing from clomid made it impossible to sleep.
I cried because of the pressure of having to be the one whose body wasn't cooperating.
I cried because I was mad at my doctor.
I cried because I am trying to change my life for a baby that I might never have.
I cried because I'll be 39 in September.
I cried because I have my 20 year high school reunion this year and I'll be the only person that doesn't have children.
I cried because that meant no baby in 2010.
I cried and cried and cried.
Then... It was time for the pity party to end.
I decided, with Josh's reluctant support, to take the month of March off. No doctors, no hormones, no shots, no nuthin'. Suddenly I felt better. March is going to be a fun month: St. Patrick's Day, Houston, and Washington DC. I just knew that if I took this month off, I would come back in April refreshed and renewed. I felt like a giant weight was off my shoulders.
I also decided that it was time to grow up. No more drinking on the weekend (or during the week for that matter). Time to exercise and eat properly. Time to take responsibility. I felt better already.
Friday night, Josh and I had a date night and we went to dinner at a new restaurant. Dinner was good and we were home and in bed by 10:00pm. It was nice to reconnect. The stress of the week had taken a big toll on our relationship. Saturday morning we went to the doctor for another sonogram and SURPRISE! My follicle measured at a 17! Suddenly we are back in the game! Dr. Chantilis said that he would see me on Monday and if I am ready then, we'll do IUI this week! After the doctor's appointment, we went house hunting, had a yummy lunch and then I went to yoga for the first time. It was in a hot room and it felt amazing! I almost cried because it was exactly what I needed to relieve all of the stress I was carrying around. Saturday night we went to a movie and again we were in bed by 10:00pm. Sunday we went for a 6-7 mile walk and that felt great too. I felt like my old self again - even better actually!
Moral of the story? Hormones make you crazy. Fertility is a rollercoaster: there are ups and downs, you're sick and scared for most of it, but in the end, it was worth the ride. Happily my ride is still going so I'll see where it takes us...
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