23 Weeks = 6 Months Pregnant!

As of yesterday, I am 23 weeks pregnant which equals 6 months.  We had a sonogram on Monday and our precious baby girl weighs 1 pound 4 ounces.  She is little for her age, in the 44th percentile for size.

She was "practicing" her breathing and even stuck her tongue out at us (she's little stinker already)!  I have been feeling her move and kick a lot in the past few days and in one of our sonogram pictures, you can see where her leg is stretched straight up and in to me.  Josh even felt her move for the first time while we were in Temple a week or so ago.  It was a very moving moment - I cried ! 

I used to think that it was so "alien" to imagine what it would feel like to have a baby kicking inside of you, but it isn't strange at all.  You get used to it and it's so nice to know that she's still in there and moving around.  Personally, I love it!

I can't wait to meet our sweet little Piper Marie!

It's Official!

Josh and I finally own the home that we will bring our sweet baby girl home to this upcoming spring.  This past year has been filled with so many challenges from infertility treatments, to job loss, to building a new home, to selling our existing home, to getting pregnant and everything in between.  Thankfully we are ending 2010 on a high note.  We are truly blessed!

Is this what I "do" now?!

Ever since I got pregnant, people have been asking me if I'm going to be a stay-at-home mom or go back to work.  I wish I had an answer for them because at this point, I truly don't know. 

There are pros to staying home (and cons) and pros to going back to work.  Plus, there are all of the questions that I ask myself and I don't have answers to my own questions.

Questions I ask myself:

Q:  Do I want to stay home?
A:  Not sure.  I have been on my own for 15 years with my own money and at this point, I'm scared to give that up.  Then again, I have a feeling that once I see the precious baby that I have been blessed with (finally!) that going to work will be the LAST place on Earth I want to be.

Q:  Can we afford the lifestyle I have enjoyed with Josh if I don't work?
A:  Not sure.  We haven't sold our condo and we are about to move in to a new house which means TWO mortgages and taxes and insurance and maintenance...  That's a whole lotta cheddah, yo! 

Q:  If I don't work and stay home with my precious baby, will I be stuck at home because we can't afford to do extra activities like go out to lunch, swim classes, shop, the zoo, etc.?
A:  Who knows?

Q:  If I go back to work, will I be absolutely miserable?  Will the cost of daycare or a nanny override the paltry sum I bring home?
A:  ?

There are a lot more questions, but you get the point.  Since we don't know what the future holds, we are moving ahead by covering all of our basis.  Which means looking for daycare facilities, getting on lists, finding a nanny, etc. in the event that I do have to go back to work.  I want all of this stuff lined up as soon as possible so I can know that my baby is in the best possible hands - if they can't be my own. 

It's a...

GIRL!!!

I'm not going to lie, I was pretty shocked.  I just knew from day one that we were going to have a boy.  I was so confident that we were having a boy that I even told people that if I found out that I was going to have a girl, I would be shocked.  And here we are... Shocked. 

The shock is starting to wear off and I'm replacing it with excitement.  Finding out the sex also made this whole pregnancy thing so much more "real".  It's not just a concept now, it's my reality.  I am going to be a MOTHER with a DAUGHTER.  It's surreal.  And amazing.  And a dream come true.  I am feeling truly blessed.

Here are a few of Baby G Heddy's (aka Baby Girl Heddy) statistics at 19 weeks:

• She weighs 9 ounces
• She is in the 44th percentile for size
• I can feel her kick, but her foot is only ¼ of an inch
• She is about the length of a summer squash
• She probably can hear external sounds and conversation by this time, or will very soon. My voice is the most pronounced. She can hear me talk, hum, and sing.
• I have now reached my 5th month of pregnancy
• Her due date is April 27, 2010



Me at 19 weeks
November 29, 2010

 

What are we having?

As of today, I am now 17 weeks and 3 days pregnant.  We still don't know the gender of the baby and I spend a LOT of time wondering if I'm carrying a little boy or a little girl.  I decided to look on the "webernet" (Josh's name for the internet) to see what types of wives tales are out there and quizzes I could take to see what they say I'm going to have.  Here are a few of the results:

My mother's intuition (since day one) says that I'm having a BOY. 
Based on the Childbirth.org quiz, I am having a GIRL.
Based on the Parents.com quiz, it could go EITHER WAY.
Based on the Chinese Gender Chart I am having a BOY.
Justmommies.com thinks I have a 58% chance of a GIRL.
Babyzone.com CAN'T TELL.

Well, that's clear as mud...

P.S.  We find out on November 29th...

Mmmmm....foooood. Delicious, delicious food.

As of today, I am now 15 weeks and 3 days pregnant and I'm finally getting over my morning sickness.  We all know that pregnant women have a heightened sense of smell, but did you also know that eventually you also have a stronger/better sense of taste?  It's true and now I have a new "problem".  It's called food.  Delicious, delicious food. 

I have always had a healthy appetite and there's not a whole lot of food that I don't enjoy, but just recently food is just so... how do you say?  YUMMY!!!

I don't crave anything in particular and I don't snack (at least not yet), but put a meal in front of me, and I'll tell you - more than once probably - that it's the most delicious _____ I've ever eaten! 

Take today for instance.  At lunch my friend and I went to The Original Pancake House.  I had a BLT with scrambled eggs and hash browns.  Before I got pregnant, I didn't love bacon; however, now it's just too good to pass up!  As I munched away, I commented about how good it was.  Then, I tasted the hash browns.  They were, in a word, awesome!  Crunchy on the outside, soft and mushy on the inside.  And they were cubed (which I didn't like before today) instead of shredded.  SO GOOD!

After lunch I was at a friend's desk and we were talking about getting food at sporting events.  I said, "what makes a sporting event hot dog so good?!"  My friend and I agreed that it's all because of the bun, which I described as "beautifully amazing".  My friend said, "do you realize that out of all the things on earth that are "beautifully amazing", to you, it's a hot dog bun?!"

Yep.  I'm pregnant all right. 

14 Weeks

Here I am at 14 weeks, 3 days on October 28, 2010.  At this stage, Baby Heddy is the size of a lemon. 

During 14 weeks pregnant Baby Heddy is starting to grow very quickly. Baby's length starts to match  baby's weight and baby's head starts to appear much more proportional during pregnancy at 14 weeks and beyond. By pregnancy week 14 baby's ears moving to their final resting place at the side of the head while the eyes move closer together on the front of baby's face.  

By pregnancy week 14 baby's neck starts to get longer too and a chin starts forming. Baby is working hard during pregnancy at 14 weeks to develop reflexes by kicking and swimming about. By 14 weeks pregnant baby should be receiving all the nutrition she needs from the placenta. That means anything I eat, drink or smoke will cross the placenta and enter my baby!

At this point, I'm still having a tiny bit of morning sickness.  The smells in the shower are overwhelming and I usually gag and throw up and then the same again when I brush my teeth.  After that though I feel good the rest of the day.  Thank goodness!  I still get tired, but I don't nap when I get home from work (at least not every day) and I can stay up until 9pm or later now!  Big improvements! 

This is so exciting for me and I love that I'm showing now.  At first I was pretty self-conscious, but now I rock the belly when I can.  It's beginning to feel more real.  Also, Josh thinks the belly is so cute! 

Belly Laughs

Here are the first pictures of mah belly!  The first one was taken at 13 weeks 4 days on October 22, 2010.  The Rangers beat the Yankees to win the ALCS and are going to their first World Series!  As you can see, Josh is showing now too. 

These pictures were taken the next day at our new house at 11302 Dinsdale Dr.

YAHOOOOOOOO!!!!



She said, “You’re pregnant”.

I was in utter SHOCK! I sit in a cube at work and luckily all of the brokers were out of the office that day. I stood up and was like, "Are you serious? Are you sure?" And all of the admins that sit near me thought something was wrong because I guess I was loud.  The woman, Toni, that sits next to me shoved me in an office and shut the door behind us. The offices here are glass, so all of the other admins were standing outside of the door looking at me because they thought something was wrong.

Melinda, said she was serious, that I was pregnant and I immediately started to cry. I told the woman that was in the office with me, Toni, that I was pregnant and she started crying and hugging me and then all of the other admins opened the door to see what was going on. I was crying and laughing at the same time. Everyone around here knew what we had been going through and they were all hugging me. It was so chaotic looking back…


I couldn’t sit still after that, so I left work for the day. Josh was traveling that day, but was coming home that night. And just that morning I had called him, very angry (turns out it was pregnancy hormones) that he couldn’t go to my doctor’s appointment with me because he was out of town. I even hung up on him. Turns out, I'm a mean pregnant lady! 


Anyway, I left work and went to Baby Gap and bought a tiny little onsie that had 2 dogs on it that said, “I love Daddy”. I folded it up so that all you could see was the picture on it and went home to take a nap. When Josh got home from his trip, I was still sleeping and he came up and lay down next to me. We talked about his trip and then I said to him that I was sorry for hanging up on him and that I got him a little present to say I’m sorry. I handed him the little folded up onsie and he said, “Oh how cute! It’s Scooter and Bailey and they love Daddy!” Then he unfolded it and saw that it was a onsie. He said, “What? What is this?” Then he looked at me and very casually said, “Are you pregnant?” I nodded and he jumped off the bed and yelled, “Are you serious? Are you kidding? Are you serious?” And I just kept nodding. I told him, “That’s exactly what I said to Melinda!” He was SO excited!

So, here we are, almost 14 weeks pregnant.  AND… yesterday my belly popped out, so now I’m showing. No going back now! I need to start taking pictures every week of the big belly. If I’m this big already, how HUGE am I going to get?! Oy vey!

What's next... indeed.

I know that it has been a very long time since the last time I wrote an honest entry on this thing.  That's because after our IVF procedure was unsuccessful, we decided to take a break from all things fertility and baby-making related, and for me that meant this blog too.

Two weeks in to our little break, I finally began to feel like myself again.  It was very eye-opening to realize how stressed I truly was even though I was fairly good at convincing myself that I wasn't. 

During this time, I allowed myself to concentrate on the house that we're building, Josh's new job, and selling our current condo - things I felt like I had control over or could do something about.  I began to relax and enjoy life again. 

Eventually the weeks passed and I realized that I had not started my period.  I checked my calendar and it had been 5 weeks (which wasn't unusual) and then 6... I took a pregnant test, but it was negative.  The days passed and still mother nature hadn't called, so I took two more tests, both of which were negative as well. 

I waited a few more days, knowing that I wasn't pregnant, but eager to get my cycle started so we could try IVF again.  At this same time, I was also having some sharp pains in my ovaries that I began to worry about so I finally called Dr. Chantilis and scheduled an appointment for the next day.  At that point, it had been 7 weeks since my last period. 

When I explained the pain in my ovaries over the phone to my nurse, Melinda, she said it sounded like my ovaries were enlarged and that perhaps I had cysts in my ovaries which can prevent you from having a period.  She said they would do a sonogram to see what was going on and some blood work and then would give me a perscription to make me start my period.

When I went in, everything looked fine on my sonogram - uterus had a full lining, ovaries were not enlarged and there were no cysts in them; however, I did have a fibroid outside of my uterus, but it had been there all along and wasn't problematic.  After the sono, they took some blood and said they would call me in the afternoon with a perscription.

I went back to work and as promised, Melinda called me around 2:30pm.  I casually answered the phone with a "what's up?".  Wednesday, August 25th:  that was the moment that has changed my life...

Referrals to me, from me to you

One thing about fertility is all of the solicited (but mostly unsolicited) advice and referrals you receive.  Lot's of people referred me to other doctors each time a procedure failed for us.  I thought that some were very helpful and thought I would pass them on... just, you know, just in case...

My Doctor:
Dr. Samuel J. Chantilis
Texas Fertility/IVF Clinic
5477 Glen Lakes Dr
Dallas, TX  75231
(214) 363-5965
www.dfwivf.com

Other doctors I was referred to:
Dr. Brian Barnett, Reproductive Endocrinology & Infertility
6124 W Parker Rd, Suite 334 Bldg 3
Plano, TX  75093
(972) 981-8700

Dr. James Douglas
IVF of Plano
Medical Office Building 2
6300 W Parker Rd #G28
Plano, TX  75093
(972) 612-2500
http://ivfplano.com

Acupuncturist:
Dr. Lin Zhou
L.Ac. FABORM
Acupuncture of Alternative Medicine of Dallas
Richardson Medical Park
375 Municipal Dr., Suite 136
Richardson, TX  75080
(972) 671-6688
http://www.acupuncture-dfw.com

Maybe one of these professionals will work for you or someone you know...

So... what's next???

Good question.  Wish I knew the answer. 

All I know is that at this moment, today, I'm glad I don't have to think about it.  I'm still not ready to go back to Dr. Chantilis, or any other doctor for that matter.  And I know I'm not ready to start the adoption process either.  Mentally and emotionally I'm not ready, not to mention financially. 

So where does that leave us?

Thinking that we might be a childless family... and I'm okay with that. 

Am I?

I'm beginning to see the light again

It's been rough to say the least.  The past couple of weeks have been emotionally draining, but I'm finally beginning to see the light again.  I'm starting to feel like myself again and feel like this break was essential. 


Two days after I found out that IVF #1 didn't work, we met with Dr. Chantilis.  I did not want to go, but Josh was insistant that we try to understand what went wrong.  At that point I was feeling not only extremely sad, but also extremely angry.  Angry at God, my body, Dr. C, my lucky sisters and friends - basically everyone and everything. 


When Dr. C walked in, he was as disappointed as we were.  He said that he was "shocked" that it didn't work and for a number of reasons.  He went over each and every step of the process with us - really took his time.  In the end he told us to keep trying and that "we would eventually" get pregnant. 

Here's to hope...

Life just isn't fair

Well, some of you may have already heard, but our IVF did not work and I did not get pregnant.  Needless to say both Josh and I are incredibly disappointed and heartbroken. 

It's not something that we are ready to discuss either.  I need time to grieve and heal. It's painful, heartbreaking, disappinting, and truly tests my faith.  At this point, I am not sure where we're going to go from here. 

Heddy, party of ___

We finally have a "real" picture of our baby(ies).  Aren't they cute?!  To me, they are the most precious things I've seen in a long time...

What we're looking at here are the two embryos that we had transfered in to my uterus.  The embryo on the left was rated "Excellent" and the one on the right was rated "Good" or "Above Average". 

Embroys A & B both have a blastocyst. A blastocyst has an inner group of cells which will become the fetus and later the newborn. 

Embryo A has an outer shell of cells called the trophoblast which will "become the membranes that nourish and protect the inner group of cells" or the placenta.  Embryo B's trophoblast is in the process of forming and would have been complete if this picture was taken later in the day.

I pray "WHEN" one or both of these embryos implants, then this will be the first picture of my baby or babies.  An embryo only a mother could love.  :)

Our little embryos

Today I got a picture of our little embryo as it grows and matures in it's warm and cozy Petri dish.

 

Father's Day ~ Hard for the Trying-to-Be Guys Too.

I read this blog today and thought I would share as well.  This is good information for the men in our lives that are also affected by the diagnosis of infertility. 

But first, I know that in my personal life, I have let Josh know time and time again that I am the one going through everything and yet I forget to think about and acknowledge his role in all of this and how it might affect him.  He has been AMAZING throughout this entire process with his optimism, reliability, and thoughtfulness and yet I rarely think about how he feels.  For example, when I would get sad/envious about hearing that another lucky family was pregnant, he would always tell me that he felt the same way.  And still I would blow him off.

Josh, if/when you read this, I want you to know that 1) I appreciate all that you have done for us/me throughout this process - especially always being available to give me my shots, reminding me about my shots, preparing and administering my shots, going to my sonograms with me, asking questions, and overall being so positive.  2) I'm sorry I haven't asked you how you are and asked what I could do for you.  I promise that going forward I will refer to "us" and "you" and not just "me".  I couldn't (literally) do this without you!

Yesterday was Father's Day and we spent the entire day entertaining my 7-year old niece, Aidyn and not once did I thank you for being a good father to our children (dogs Scooter & Bailey) nor did I think about how you might be sad that you weren't with your father and/or that you want to be a father and it's been such a struggle for us.  Well, I know it's not Father's Day any more, but I want you to know that you ARE the most amazing man, WILL be the most AMAZING father and I am the LUCKIEST girl on earth to be trying to make a baby (babies) with YOU!  Happy Father's Day, Josh!  Next year our baby (babies) will be wishing it for me!  xoxo

Male Fertility
By By Gina Paoletti-Falcone, RN, BSN

"This (past) Sunday is (was) Father’s Day, a day to acknowledge the important men in our lives for their unique contributions to our sense of family. Like Mother’s Day, this is a day that can be poignantly difficult for those struggling with infertility. Family gatherings focusing on fathers and grandfathers can make for some uncomfortable family dynamics, especially if your family isn’t aware of your diagnosis.

I think we sometimes forget that in the midst of infertility guys have feelings, too. During treatment they are sometimes relegated to the role of “sperm source” for an IUI or IVF procedure and we just hope they can produce on demand. If they have difficulty it’s like “Really! Come on…how hard is this, it’s all you have to do!” I’m sorry to admit that I have had this insensitive thought when I contrast what women go through in the course of a treatment cycle (injections, blood draws, ultrasounds and yet another speculum in the vagina with some kind of catheter going through the cervix) with asking a man to masturbate to produce a semen sample.

Men tend to be quiet when it comes to expressing their feelings so we may assume that they aren’t feeling much of anything. I am willing to bet that Father’s Day is hard when you want to be a father and are working very hard to make it happen to then come up against the wall called infertility. Most of the emotional support that we provide targets women because we see them more frequently and are sensitized to the impact infertility has on them because they talk about it (a lot). Men often take the stance that they have to be strong and not let on how devastating the whole infertility experience is for them as well. Most of them dream of pitching baseballs, throwing footballs or shooting pucks with a son who looks a lot like them. Most of them feel a sense of responsibility to carry on their family name by producing a son. Most of them want to be dads every bit as fervently as their wives want to be moms. Most of them don’t talk about it……

If you are a guy reading this, I commend you on taking an active part in your treatment and I hope you accept my apology for my insensitivity when it comes to masturbating. And if you are “the girl” share these tips to get through tough times from “In the Know: What No One Tells You About Male Infertility”.[1]

Take Control: educate yourself, understand the process as best you can by asking questions at the doctor’s office and learning more through websites such as FertilityLifeLines.com, SSMR.org and ASRM.org.

Find a way to blow off steam: Do something to get your blood pumping and shake off those thoughts of self doubt. Work out. Shoot hoops. Go running. When you release stress this way you also release endorphins and might even give your libido a boost.

Have the difficult conversation: We know that men and women communicate differently, but infertility is something you have to deal with together. Be open to talking about infertility. You need to tell your partner when you want to talk and when you want to vent. Try some of these as opening lines:

“What I need from you to get through this is…”
“What can I do to support you?”
“What are we willing to tell our family and friends?”
“How do you want me to handle it if my family is pushing us for answers?”

Give your partner some TLC: Acknowledge the stress of the situation and assure her that you are in this together. You can’t take the pain away, but just being there will help. Let her talk, cry and share her feelings. Surprise her with flowers or plan a date night or weekend getaway. Have sex for the pleasure of it. It will remind her – and you – that you were a couple before you wanted to have a baby and you’re still one.

Get support: This is a lot to deal with, so if you need to talk to someone, that’s okay. There are a lot of great support groups and counselors out there. Ask your nurse where you can get help if you need it.

And finally, remember that this infertility thing will not go on forever. You will come to a resolution one way or another given time and perseverance. When all is said and done, you should have faith that you will be a dad someday, somehow." 



http://blog.freedomfertility.com/

When a man and a woman love each other very much…

What I was taught as a child and teenager about how to make a baby, in my experience, couldn’t be further from the truth! Here is my revised version of the modern day birds and the bees…

He gently shakes her shoulder, whispers "wake up, darling" and gives her a light kiss on the cheek. She smiles sleepily as he draws the covers back, revealing her rumpled pajamas.  She curls up in a ball and protests, but he whispers, "shhh". 

Gently he pulls up her pajama top, revealing her taught stomach and lightly brushes her lower belly with his fingers.  He begins to count "1, 2, 3..."

and POW!  He jabs her with a needle.

This is how we make babies.

Just to give you an idea of what I go through on a daily basis, here is my daily delicious cocktail:
7:30am  Menopur - shot in the stomach (hurts like a mutha!)
8:30am  Dr. Chantilis' office - blood work and sonogram
7:30pm  Lupron - shot in the thigh (does not hurt - inner thigh is the best place)
7:31pm  Gonal F - shot in the stomach (takes a while, but doesn't hurt)
Repeat next day for 4 weeks

From L to R:  Gonal F, Lupron, Progesterone (taken after retrieval), Menopur

Not pictured:  Ovadrel

Notice that each medicine has a different syringe and even though you can't tell in the picture, each syringe has a different size needle.  Some are very small, but some are very big...

This is the syringe I'll have to use for my progesterone shots after they remove my eggs from my follicles (sometime in the next week or two).  The progesterone shot will go in my back, near my upper gluts in the muscle.  The nurses don't even try to sugar coat it.  "It's going to hurt!"  is what they tell me. 

Gee, I can't wait...

A face only a mother could love. Are you sure?

So, sometimes I get really bored at work.  I mean, really really bored.  Today was no exception so to occupy my time, I decided to see if there was a website where I could find out what a baby that Josh and I made would look like.  The results were NOT pretty.  Or handsome.  Or cute.

Maybe we should quit while we're ahead...

Here is the website that created this monster... Have fun!  :-)

http://www.morphthing.com/

¡Muchas Gracias, Amigas!

I have mentioned on this blog several times how much it means to be there for someone or couples that are dealing with infertility issues and going through the process of trying to conceive. 

I realized that as I continue to pass that message along, I need to acknowledge the people that have been so kind to be there for me while Josh and I go through this as well.  So, here goes...

To the following ladies (and in no particular order):
HHL, CZT, LBJ and SGH... Thank you!  Your positive thoughts, messages, concerns and insight means more to me than you could ever imagine!  Thanks for your messages when I least expected them.  They always made me smile!  Through you, I have become much more optimistic and have a better understanding not only about what I'm going through, but also take comfort in the fact that you know what it's like on this side and you came out victorious!  That gives me a hope I had temporarily lost. 

Again, thanks for reaching out to me.  It means so much to me and I truly love you for it!  I can't say it enough - THANK YOU!

XOXO

Let’s talk about “effects”, Babeee

For the past week I have been taking an injection of Lupron once a day in the thigh. As with most medications, Lupron has some fun and wonderful side effects. Here are a few of my favorites so far…

This medication may cause nausea, vomiting (twice in 3 days), hot flashes, night sweats, bone pain (on Saturday in my hips), swelling of feet and ankles, headache (every single day), or difficulty urinating the first few days as your body adjusts to the medication. Notify your doctor if these symptoms continue or become bothersome. This medication may cause reduced sexual desire, rapid heartbeat (occasionally), chest pain, breathing difficulties, fever, chills, painful urination, and persistent irritation at the injection site (mildly every day). Tell your doctor immediately if any of these highly unlikely but very serious side effects occur: severe headache, vision changes (blurry), severe drowsiness (SOO tired), unusual or one-sided weakness.

Don't worry though, I have talked to my nurse and I do not need to be concerned about the side effects I’m experiencing (in red). They are not too bothersome – it's more like I just notice most of them from time to time.

I’ll reduce the amount of Lupron I inject in a few days, but will continue with the shot daily for at least another 15 days. Also in a few days, I’ll be adding 2 more injections to my daily diet of meds. These will be in my stomach and I’m sure will add to the side effects I’m currently enjoying. YAY!    :-|

Once, Twice, Three Times a Shot

To help you understand the process of IVF (in vitro), let me first explain the medications that are involved. Once you understand the medications, you’ll begin to get a sense of how invasive, time consuming and technical this whole process really is.


Let’s start at the beginning:

First there’s the good ole trusty, dusty, tried and true birth control pill. That’s right! To try and get pregnant, you start by taking the Pill. WTH?! That’s what I said!

Birth control pill is used to suppress the pituitary and to resolve any residual ovarian cyst from previous cycles. The pill also allows flexibility in IVF scheduling. Women who start menses at different times can have their cycles synchronized by the pill in order to start IVF treatment as a group.

I took the “BCP” for three weeks. Once you get to the placebo pill, you stop and hope that you’ll start your period within the next few days.

Cost of BCP? $4.00*

The next step is to begin taking Leuprolide Acetate “Lupron” shots in the thigh once a day for about a month. You start doing the Lupron shots about 5 days before you stop taking BCP.

Lupron, an injectable medication, is started near the end of the pill cycle to further suppress the pituitary. The pill is eventually discontinued while Lupron is continued into the next phase to maintain pituitary suppression.

To be honest, the Lupron shot does not hurt, but you do have to be specific about the time you take it each day. Lucky for me, Josh is available to administer all of my shots for me because I am way too chicken to do it myself!

Cost of Lupron? $129.00*

Two weeks in to your Lupron shots to the thigh, you add in a couple more fun little shots to the mix. For me, I’ll be taking Gonal-F and Menopur. Gonal-F has a sister drug called Follitism, but my insurance only covers Gonal-F. They are one in the same.

These shots are taken in the belly. Menpur is taken in the morning, while Lupron and Gonal-F are taken in the evenings.

Ovarian stimulation is initiated once there is sufficient suppression of the pituitary, as evident by a low estradiol level and quiet ovaries on the sonogram. The injectable medications used to stimulate the ovaries (Bravelle, Follistim, Gonal-f, Repronex) are actually LH and FSH, the same hormones normally produced by the pituitary. Close monitoring of the ovaries with blood works and sonograms is essential during this period to ensure optimal egg development and avoid complications.

Once again, these shots are painless. The biggest pain is giving yourself three shots a day for what seems like eternity!


Cost of Gonal-F? $780.00*
Cost of Menopur? $79.90*

During the entire time that you are taking these shots, you are also going to the doctor on a weekly basis (sometimes one to three times a week) while they monitor the growth of your follicles and test your hormone levels.


Once your follicles are measured and are a specific size, you’ll give yourself another shot in the belly called Ovidrel (HCG).

Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (HCG) injection is given when the follicles reach mature sizes. HCG induces the eggs to undergo the final maturation. It also causes the eggs to be detached from the wall of the follicles to facilitate their removal.

Cost of Ovidrel? $44.25*


As you can see, there are a LOT of medications, time and energy involved during the IVF process. Those factors in addition to cost (IVF can cost up to $12,000 out-of-pocket) is why this is something that most couples can only afford to do once or twice in a lifetime.

AND I didn’t even get in to the awesome side effects! That’s a whole other blog…

If you or anyone you know is going through IVF, please try to be understanding of everything they are doing and going through to add to their family. It’s a rough ride, but a good one in the long run if it works.

*Prices listed above are from the pharmacy that I have to go through for insurance purposes.

Resources:  http://www.ivfmd.net/Treatment/treatment2.htm
 

Shot to the Thigh and Josh is to Blame, Darlin' we give IVF a BAD name!

So since I haven't written in a while, I thought I'd let you in on what's going on with us.  We have decided to try IVF (also known as in vitro) this round. 

I'm not going to get in to too much detail because it's such a personal and invasive process, but here are the basics:

IVF refers to the creation of embryos by placing sperm and eggs in a test tube or culture dish in a laboratory setting. Oocytes (eggs) must be obtained by stimulating the ovaries with FSH or hMG fertility drugs (given as daily injections) because many eggs are required to produce enough quality embryos for transfer.


During an IVF cycle, once the eggs mature, they are retrieved in a procedure termed transvaginal oocyte retrieval (surgery requiring anestesia). Patients are instructed to inject hCG approximately 36 hours prior to egg retrieval to mimic the natural cycle release of LH.  IVF oocyte (egg) retrieval is performed in an operating room under light sedation using intravenous anesthesia. The oocyte retrieval procedure involves the passage of a needle through the thin posterior wall of the vagina into the ovarian follicles and aspirating the oocytes.




Sperm (this is where Josh is needed) is processed and used to fertilize the oocytes and create embryos. These embryos are allowed to grow in the incubator for an additional 3 to 5 days (in a petri dish) before being transferred (back in to me). If blastocyst transfer is attempted, the embryos will incubated until they have differentiated into two distinct cell types, usually 5-7 days.



Once the embryos mature, the patient is scheduled for embryo transfer. The transfer procedure uses a small catheter inserted through the cervix using ultrasound guidance, which places the embryos directly into the uterus with the hope that at least one will implant in the endometrium (lining of the uterus), and result in a pregnancy.

This description is very clinical (thanks Dr. Chantilis), but this is what we're going through.  This process takes approximately 2 months from start to pregnancy test and requires a lot of medications, injections, doctor's appointments, time, energy, emotion, and money.  Josh and I are very fortunate in that we have amazing insurance and can try IVF multiple times if it doesn't work this first time, but we're praying feverishly that that won't be necessary. 

If you have any advice or words of wisdom, don't be shy... I need all the advice and encouragement I can get!  Prayers work too!  xoxo

Resources: http://www.dfwivf.com/ivf-in-vitro-fertilization.html

Hi little Nugget!

How can you help?

How Can I Help Someone I Love Suffering From Infertility?


If you know someone who is having difficulty starting a family, understand that they need you. I can't tell you what they need, except to know that you are there for them unconditionally. Your relationship will likely be a little bumpy for a while. Heck, it might be a lot bumpy. You must take it upon yourself to single-handedly keep the relationship alive. Touch base often, and make time to hang out (even if you have to drag them, kicking and screaming the whole way). If you have kids, leave them at home -- your joy is their heartbreak. And realize that quality, one-on-one time is far better than big, blowout parties.


Resist that natural human tendency to "keep score." It doesn't matter if you've called them 10 times in row and they haven't reciprocated. They probably don't have the strength. Like I mentioned before, you're entering a stretch of time in which you may have to do all of the work. Hopefully, the day will never come when it's their turn to do the same. But if it does, you can bet they'll be there for you.


At least once a week, you also need to ask specifically about their infertility and how things are going. I know: "Infertility" is a scary word to vocalize, but do it anyway. Maybe they won't want to talk about it. Respect that. But maybe they need to vent. Listen and be supportive; that alone will go a long way.


Finally, I want to encourage you to be persistent. This isn't a grief that gets easier with time. It gets harder. The longer they go through this, the more painful it will become and the more they will need you.


“When someone you know is overwhelmed by life, confronted by obstacles that are a little too heavy to carry alone, it’s easy to feel unsure of how to respond. That’s the time to remember it’s not what you do, but that you do something. Often, we don’t realize that what may seem like a small gesture or an insignificant act to us can actually make a meaningful difference in someone’s life. There are no perfect words, no perfect gestures. Simply reach out and touch someone’s heart. Be brave, be a little more generous, be kind.” ~Gwyneth Paltrow

Resource:
http://www.wfsb.com/health/10489743/detail.html

Will we go on?

Many couples dealing with fertility issues keep it to themselves. Some people see it as a private matter they are uncomfortable discussing with their family  and friends.  And then there's me... I have a blog that updates those that are interested and anyone in the world that googles IVF/IUI. 

Personally it helps me "journal" my thoughts and gets them off my chest in a way that talking doesn't.  It allows me to put things down in writing that I can't always express the way I intend to verbally.  In fact, when I've gone a few days without writing this, I'm constantly thinking about what I should write about next.  What should I or shouldn't I divulge?  What is too personal and what is PG?  At what point do I say "that's enough" and take back my personal struggle and desist from writing this blog?  Is this helping anyone besides me by getting stuff off my chest or is it just another voyeuristic way to peek inside my life? 

Since I'm not sure that I'm ready to give up this blog, I'll share with you some information I found recently that I think is interesting:

*  Studies show that infertility can cause the same degree of stress as a diagnosis of cancer, HIV or a heart attack. We generally share these other critical life events with those close to us and, because of that, usually receive the support and understanding we need to get through those tough times. Fertility patients miss out on that love and understanding when they don’t share their struggle. In fact, many fertility patients have the extra burden of dealing with thoughtless, unwelcome comments and questions related to their “childless” status.

*  Infertility is NOT an inconvenience; it is a disease of the reproductive system that impairs the body's ability to perform the basic function of reproduction.

Please remember these two facts when dealing with or coming across those that are struggling with infertility.  Those of us living through it can tell the whole world what's going on, but believe me, you still feel very alone.  Reach out to those going through it with an encouraging word, a shoulder to cry on, a hug, and/or an ear.  You don't have to say much (except encouragement).  Just knowing that you care makes a world of difference. 

Resources:
Freedom Fertility http://blog.freedomfertility.com/
American Society for Reproductive Medicine http://www.asrm.org/detail.aspx?id=2322

33rd time isn't a charm either.

That's right... for the 33rd time since we've been trying to get pregnant, I started my period.  I was 35 when we started and in four short months I'll be 39. 

I called the nurse to let her know that I started and she said Dr. C wants to do another round of shots with clomid and IUI.  Of course he did.  It hasn't worked yet, so let's just keep trying something that DOESN'T WORK.  I don't get it.  I know that I had a good response to the shots, but here are the facts:

1.  I am almost 39 years old and my statistics are not getting better, only worse
2.  I am almost at my LIFE TIME limit that insurance covers for fertility ($20,000 for a lifetime) - 100% of the rest after that is out-of-pocket
3.  I am almost at my limit for my LIFE TIME medicine coverage ($5.000 for a lifetime) - again 100% of the rest after that is out-of-pocket*

*When you do IVF, you take shots 3 times per day for 14-16 days.  The shots I took for IUI cost us $200 out-of-pocket and that was once a day for 5 days, so you can imagine how much it will cost for IVF and that's just for SHOTS.  We haven't even covered the actual IVF procedures.

Josh is unemployed so what is the best decision for us? Do IVF while we still have a little bit of insurance coverage left or take our chances with the less expensive, but so far ineffective IUI? 
I'll take ANY advice and ALL prayers anyone has...

Isolating? Who me?

I realize that as you might read this you can tell in each blog that I am either "up" or "down".  Today is definitely a "down". 

Recently I've been feeling myself isolating from my friends and family because it seems that each time I'm around them, I find out about another lucky lady that is pregnant.  I don't go a week without the joyous news that one of my sisters, friends and cousins are pregnant.  Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them and hope that they have easy pregnancies and healthy babies - I would never want anything else for them, but selfishly I'm dying inside and the depression that follows is pretty devastating.  In fact, for Mother's day, I couldn't even leave the house.  Selfish I know, but that's where I am.  I feel like the world's worst person.  Is that why I can't have a baby?

This has been a hard week.  Today my husband lost his job for the second time in as many years.  Here we are in our 7th round of fertility, building a house, and selling our existing house when he loses his job.  When I found out, I began crying uncontrollably at my desk and my boss told me to "go home, clean myself up and come straight back because I don't want to lose my job too". 

But that's exactly what I did.  I guess being at home with Josh right now isn't going to fix anything.

What does that mean for all that we've been working for?  Only time will tell, but I wish I could crawl in bed under the covers and come back out when things are good.

Was it to be or not to be? That is the question.

I was doing a little online pregnancy research yesterday, specifically what you can and cannot eat while pregnant and here is what I found out:

The American Pregnancy Association states that women that are pregnant should avoid:

•      Deli Meats*
•      Fish with Mercury
•      Smoked Seafood*
•      Fish Exposed to Industrial Pollutants
•      Raw Shellfish
•      Raw Eggs
•      Soft Cheeses*
•      Unpasteurized Milk*
•      Pate*
•      Caffeine
•      Alcohol

The items that have an asterisk can all contain listeria which has the ability to cross the placenta and may infect the baby leading to infection or blood poisoning, which can be life-threatening. 

That prompted me to start thinking about the things I consumed when I was pregnant last year.  At the time, I didn't know I was pregnant and Josh and I went on a 10 day vacation through the Northeast.  We went to Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Rhode Island and Massachusets.  The entire trip was a feast of fresh lobster, shrimp, fish, oysters, muscles and crab not to mention sandwiches and alcohol. 

Considering that I ate copious amounts of seafood/fish and drank like one, could that have been a contributing factor to the loss of our baby?  I miscarried 6 days after we got back.  I'll never know the answer to that question, but you can guarantee that all of the items on that list are now officially off my diet!   You know... just in case...

http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancyhealth/foodstoavoid.html

A Charm? We'll see...

I had my third IUI this past Saturday and it went really well.  Dr. Thomas did the procedure and she was amazing!  I wish she was my doctor - she took the time to go over all of Josh's sperm count results and walked us through the entire procedure step-by-step even though we had done it two times before.  Dr. Chantilis just does his thing and then asks if we have any questions.  She acted like she had all the time in the world too. 

I had a lot of eggs and I ovulated exactly on time (later that day), so it appears that this might be our most promising IUI yet.  I've been really crampy and bloated and she said that it to be expected.  I go back for my blood pregnancy test on Friday, May 14th so I'm looking forward to that! 

I'm feeling really good about things... In fact, Josh and I had discussed taking some time off after this round if we weren't successful this time, but since I finally responded well to my drug combination, maybe we'll give it another go.  I'm feeling optimistic.

Come on little guys, make Mama proud! 

High Hopes

I got good news this morning at the doctor - I finally responded to the combination of drugs that I've been taking - clomid and Gonal F shots so we'll be doing our 3rd IUI this Saturday morning.  This time I have 1 egg that measured at 23 and 3 more that are at 18-19 but will be at least 20 by Saturday morning.  I take my Ovidrel shot (induces ovulation) tonight and then we go in Saturday morning for the procedure. 

I know that I already have my hopes up, but that's honestly nothing new.  I'm hopeful that this time will work.  I'm getting used to the highs and lows of this whole fertility thing.  Either way, now that we know that I respond to this combination of drugs we might give another month a try if it doesn't work again this time.

What a journey!

Fertility Joke of the Day:
Q:  Why are there no fertility clinics in Arkansas?
A:  Everyone finds a potent cousin eventually.

Shooting for the Stars

Yesterday I went back to the doctor to see how my follicles were progressing and to measure them.  I have a lot of follicles in my right ovary (the dominate ovary for this month) and several in my left.  The largest one measured at 15x10 so I'm not quite there yet (has to measure 20).  I have to continue my shots through Wednesday night and on Thursday I go back to be remeasured.  If I have some that are big enough, then I'll have IUI on Saturday. 

I asked my nurse what we would do if they still weren't ready on Thursday and she said I would continue on the shots and go back on a daily basis for measurements.  She also said that if I had measured at 20 yesterday that it was still a little too early in the cycle to do IUI anyway, so we're in a good spot now.  I'll take that as good news...

I'm just taking it easy this week in hopes that the more laid back I am, the more my little eggs will grow.  Here's the one thing I can say about my shots though:  I seem to have a lot of side effects such as loss of appetite, bloating, insomnia, and headaches. 

I have no appetite, which if you know me, is not normal.  It's so strange to know that it's lunch time and I sit at my desk for an extra hour before I make myself go eat something just because I need to.  Normally I'm counting down the hours before my normal 11:30am lunchtime.  Another thing is that I have insomnia.  I have barely slept since Saturday night.  I feel fine, but I just can't sleep.  I lay there all night.  The good news is I don't lay there stressing out, I just lay there bored.  I hope tonight I'll be so tired that I get even just a few hours of sleep.   Zzzzzzzz

Fertility Joke of the Day:
You know you are trying to get pregnant when:  You look at your vegetarian sandwich and the alfalfa sprouts look like sperm.

Hormone Heaven

This morning I woke up and immediately had anxiety because today is the day when I begin taking my Gonal F shots along with Clomid (Gonal F is used to help the ovaries make more eggs).  Thankfully my darling husband read the directions and I don't have to give myself the shot until this evening so that buys me some time. 

Why am I so nervous?  I have been taking Ovadrel shots once a month for 6 months and it's the same thing.  It doesn't hurt.  I guess just the anticipation of knowing that I have to have a shot makes me nervous.  Again, thankfully my darling husband is willing to do it for me and he's very gentle and good at it (although he makes the "bring the needle down in a stabbing motion" line from Pulp Fiction each and every single time).  Gotta love Josh and his sense of humor!  :)

Another small bit of news is that Josh and I have decided that if this month doesn't work with the shots and IUI then we're going to take a break from fertility treatment and put it in God's hands for a while.  We've already spent $12,000+ on treatment and my insurance only covers $20k for a lifetime.  Maybe a break from crazy-inducing hormones and stress will make the difference...  Who knows.  It is (and always has been) in God's hands.

Different day, same story

Still not pregnant.  This is getting really old. 

Now I just need to wait until I start my period (should be in about 2 days) and on my third day, I'll start all over again, except this time a few things are different:

1.  I'll start taking daily shots of Gonal F
2.  I won't be traveling

I sure hope this is the answer...